Okay, wow. I had absolutely NO idea that people actually went here. I mean, I knew that like three people did, considering that’s how many people *max* commented. Gosh, I was wrong…This has caused so many problems in the span of like 2 days. Trust me, I never meant to have it start anything. I never wanted anyone to be hurt, angry, or confused by that last entry. I was just sick and tired of not telling anyone anything and just keeping everything inside. It’s not easy to see everyone around you change while knowing you have absolutely no power to stop it. I miss having small fights that end in a few days (or after recess/lunch). I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m sorry. I didn’t think anyone would read it, guess who the people were, or even care.
Now, there’s a couple other things that I need to get off my chest. I talked to a couple people the other night and after talking to them, I couldn’t sleep. It was terrible. All I did last night was stay up thinking about how much I might have bothered some people and how many people are mad at me because of what I wrote. I didn’t think it would affect so many people and I had no idea so many people would actually see it. I need you all to understand that the things I said weren’t meant to hurt you or make you angry or confused. Once again, I’ve underestimated the power of the internet. (I so need a hit counter on this thing…*points to Tiff or Jennifer* >.<)
Okay, so here it goes. First of all, I'd just like to remind you all that I'm not perfect and I'm just as liable to make mistakes as anyone else. My mistakes just happen to occur on a larger scale 99% of the time. Like I've said a million times before, I never thought this would get so out of hand. Seriously, if I had known I never would’ve made that last entry public. Another one of my mistakes was doubting all my friends. I should’ve had more faith in all of you. Instead I figured you all never really cared and that you constantly talk about me behind my back. Let’s face it, I’m an idiot. I’m sure that you all love me, I swear I know some of you do. It’s just hard to constantly have to reassure myself that even when you are talking about me, you’re trying to stick up for me. Ever since I was little, I learned it was easier to look at the bad and just stop trusting. It made it easier to prevent myself from getting hurt. That isn’t an excuse, I’m just trying to explain why I am the way I am. I never tell people about it because I don’t want to hurt anyone. When friends start drifting away or acting weird around me, I figure it’s my fault and I don’t want to mention it in case it’s actually true. Then, I end up losing a friend, getting mad at them, and then having others get mad at me. It’s an annoying system really, but one I’ve had trouble getting rid of. Back to the whole losing faith in all my friends thing…I know I sound like a complete drama queen, but you know what? I don’t care. No, that’s a lie…I do care. I care what everyone thinks about me. I care about what people say about me, who says it, and who agrees. That’s not just me, though. Everyone cares about what other people think. Everyone cares about what people are saying about them. It’s human nature. It’s just that, once again, everything I do seems to affect a larger amout of people. That’s completely my fault.
Second thing I need to say is that I realize I’m annoying sometimes. I realize that people get tired of my complaining about myself and others. I’m not stupid enough to see that it’s making me lose friends. I just wish people would realize it’s not easy to stop doing something you’ve been doing for a while. It’s not that I don’t love myself…that’s a completely different story. It’s that I constantly compare myself to the best. My friends are basically the best people I know, and that’s the truth. You all are amazing in your own right and other people see that too. Some of my friends are the smartest ones in school, others are the best dressed or the prettiest, some of them are the most popular, etc. I dunno, maybe you guys don’t think that way, but that’s what happens to me. I constantly find myself comparing every little thing about myself to the people I know and love. It’s annoying and I know it bugs you. Instead of saying ’so-and-so are better than me’, I just say ‘I’m terrible at ‘. I don’t want people to feel bad thinking that they make me feel bad about myself, so it just comes out as me having no self-confidence and having people get mad at me for that.
Okay, what else haven’t I addressed yet? Oh, yes, my behavior. Well, my behavior part 3. I can see myself coming off as annoying or whiny or whatever else some people might say about me. The thing is, I’ve tried to change, but then I get uncomfortable. How I act now is my comfort zone. It’s me purposefully trying to push people away so it doesn’t happen later and I don’t get hurt after getting attached. Just another thing that’s completely idiotic of me. I’d just rather be hurt and empty now than have to deal with it later…it makes absolutely no sense out loud, but it worked in my head. I dunno, maybe that’s just an excuse I subconsciously made up to try to explain to myself the way I act. Let’s face it, no one thinks of themself as perfect. I just don’t think of myself as good at anything and I know that people hate that about me. I’m just not exactly good at balancing things out. I’m either too smart for my own good or I try to act like a complete idiot. Sometimes I’m a complete neatfreak but other times I’m a complete slob. I have never just been able to stay in the middle. Hmm…maybe that’s my problem. I go by extremes…probably to get attention, I don’t really know. The thing is I know just about as much as you all do about what’s wrong with me…and that’s a very small amount.
I said it before, and I’ll say it now. I know there’s a lot of people out there that do care about me and do worry about me. I used to shrug it off as just pity or something like that, but after talking to some people, I realize you do care. It’s a big slap in the face to realize that if I don’t do anything to change, I’ll lose a lot of friends…even some I didn’t know I have. So here’s the one thing I ask from you. The rest I’ll try to do myself…but I need you all to just tell me if I get of line again. This means that if I…
a) Get too violent,
b) Get too moody (depressed, self-loathing, etc.),
c) Act like a complete drama queen,
d) Act like a complete b*tch,
e) Start to bother you,
f) Complain too much,
g) Or basically do anything that you think I should stop doing,
PLEASE JUST TELL ME!!!!! It’s okay…you don’t have to worry that you’re going to hurt me. I’m a big girl and I can handle whatever it is you say. Trust me, there’s a good chance someone’s already said something about it to me. I don’t always know what I’m doing, so I can’t stop it. So please, just help me out a little. I really don’t want to lose all my friends and I really don’t want people to start hating me.
Yeah…well…I guess that’s it. Except for the apologies to the people I wrote about previously. I guess all I want you to know is that you should just completely ignore whatever it is I said…you don’t deserve it and I’m a complete idiot to have even said anything. So, um, I’m sorry and just pretend it never happened.
